A panty liner, long and thin
guards my dignity if when
laughing, coughing, sneezing deems
my bladder weaker than it seems.
It’s on in every situation
adding to my irritation
which, it seems, will not abate.
Today, I’m turning 48.
Don’t send your pity; please don’t weep
because my fluids tend to seep.
If I encounter apprehension
there’s always bladder re-suspension.
For now, there’s gray hair and hot flashes,
peach fuzz beards and light moustaches,
night sweats, dry skin, sleepless nights
with no apparent end in sight.
We “older” women understand
that hormones deal a crappy hand,
and that’s what keeps us all in stitches.
You’re turn’s coming, younger bitches!
I’ve said my piece and had some fun.
My feeble diatribe is done.
I know there’s nothing I can do,
But in my heart…I’m 32.
Poem by NanaBread.
All rights reserved,
because I could be named
Poet Laureate after this.
Or not.
Special thanks to my
family and friends for
another spectacular
year. I couldn’t have
done it without you.
Much love to you all.
Peace out!
Inside NanaBread's Head 
Happy, happy 32nd birthday to you. You passed me, I’m 29! Hugs and kisses, Pat
Oh, well. One of us has to be older, so it might as well be me. Thanks for the birthday wishes, Pat!
Happy Birthday to you, NanaBread!!!!
I’m turning 47 in a few months and this poem fits me to a tee. I was going to post on FB this morning asking for suggestions for a moisturizing foundation – my skin is changing and FAST! I remember rarely having to use moisturizer b/c my skin was so soft and supple. Now, I’m glued to the TV when The LifeStyle Lift infomercial comes on and, in the mornings, I can’t wait until everyone gets out of the elevator before my floor so I can grab both sides of my face, lift up and…sigh…where did she go? I’m beginning to look like a basset hound! And, don’t get me started on my inability to maintain a thought…wait…what was I talking about…oh…yeah…uh…that word…what’s that word?!
Anyway, I hope this birthday rocks! And, honestly, you AREN’T old. When I start feeling old, I think about what my 80-year “old” self would say to this 46 year “young” whipper-snapper! HUGS!
P.S. I did a 47 mile bike ride around/through Sam Houston Forest yesterday -“hill”-yeah, I did! No, not old yet! OK, a little droopier, leakier and not as sharp but no, not old.
I was having the same moisturizer issues until I found my secret weapon last year. I’m happy to share it, but I’ll warn you, it’s not conventional. I love it because it smells of peppermint with a hint of almond, doesn’t cost an arm and a leg and another leg, and absorbs completely and quickly. Here it is…..are you ready….it’s….it’s… JR Watkins Peppermint Foot Cream. Yes, foot cream. I use it everywhere. Face, elbows, shaved legs. It’s awesome stuff. I have sensitive skin and mild rosacea, and it does not cause irritation or break-outs. It’s my “must have” lotion, especially for my face. Try it and tell me if you like it, too. I buy it through Amazon.com, but it’s also available at Target.
http://www.jrwatkins.com/jrwatkins/productdetail.cfm?Store=E4C33ACF-2542-3708-4D6BFDC7F0F83A31&Group=A2874816-EB7B-31E9-65AAABAAF211CFF3&Family=86DAEA1B-A5E2-0152-969B8EC38B5C7D4C&Product=A2F02107-D259-87B9-2199EF6C7A48223F&Country=Usa
Congrats on the 47 mile bike ride! I can’t believe you rode 47 miles in honor of my last day as a 47 year-old. That’s devotion, and I appreciate it so much {wink!} You, my friend, are a rock star!
Happy Birthday NanaBread!
Found your Blog the other day and fell in love with it. You have a wonderful sense of humor and a great writing style. The poem is a perfect reflection of this wonderful time in our lives as we creep upwards in age and wisdom. Enjoy your wonderful day with smiles, laughs and great friends.
Thanks, Sandy! What a nice compliment. I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog. I’m having a great time writing it. Thanks for the birthday wishes. It’s always good to make it to the next birthday with a great year behind me, high hopes for a spectacular year to come, and family and friends to share it with!
Thanks so much! I have mild rosacea, too! Tonight, I’m going to go by Target and see if they have it! Anything that smells good, works, and doesn’t cost an arm and a leg…I’m in!
Yes, yes, I did ride in your honor. It was hills, you know…I went “over the hills” for you! ;-) Balump-bump.
Thank you…thank you…I’ll be here all week!
Try the veal!
I smell like a candy cane today…and I like it! Thanks for the suggestion – I got a bottle last night and it’s FABulous. Not greasy at all. I even put it on my face and so far, so good!
Hope your birthday was extra special – thanks for all the smiles and laughs! You rock!
Awesome! Another peppermint lotion junkie is born! It smells delicious, doesn’t it? Glad you like it. Thanks for the update! -j
Happy Birthday! Oh, the joys of aging you describe in your poem. I’m 31 and I already have stray hairs on my chin and once in awhile I find a grey hair on my head…what does that say about me? ;)
Hope you have a wonderful day and congrats on being a finalist in PW’s contest! That’s a fun birthday gift…
It says that like fine wine and great cheese, you are improving with age. Until you find blue mold or vinegar, you’re good. And at 31, that’s not grey hair, it’s “natural highlights.”
I’d rather lose my bladder control than my sense of humor, cause, darnit, how could you deal with that issue without being able to laugh at it?
Happy Birthday!
Sincerely,
one of the “younger bitches”
Thanks, Amy….for the birthday wishes, the chuckle, and the signature. I’d laugh harder, but I’d pee myself.
Happy Birthday Friend, you deserve every happiness life has to offer. Your Ode to Aging is my anthem as well, thanks for putting it in verse and keeping it “oh so real”. I laughed so hard I…well you know!
P.S. I made those Rocky Road cookies and they are delish!!
Hahahaha….now you’ve got me laughing again, and we all know what happens then! Glad you enjoyed the poem. I was chuckling while writing it. And I’m thrilled you liked the cookies! Nothing beats ooey, gooey chocolate…and adding chocolate chips, pecans and marshmallows just takes it to a whole new level. Thanks for the birthday wishes. Love ya! -j
Happy Birthday, Big Sister! Just remember – no matter how old you get, you will always be older than me! Love you!
Yes, I know…I know. I say the same thing to Sister #1. Thanks for the birthday wishes! Love you too!
Happy Birthday from your older sis.
You’re getting older but don’t get pissed.
I’m older than you still and can prove it:
I’ve got extra weight, gray hair, wrinkles and zits!!
So stop and smell the roses while you can,
before the pads are exchanged for a pan!!!
Love you and happy birthday!!
Thanks for the birthday poem and the warning about the pan, #1. I appreciate it! Love you, too!
A birthday wish for my big sis…
She makes me laugh until I piss.
Always kind, a true delight,
in 39 (almost) years, never a fight.
I wish you fun and happiness.
and make TCP clean up the mess!
Happy Birthday #2! Love ya Oodles, Gobs and Bunches!
Thank you, baby sis. I appreciate the poem and the love. And yes…TCP did clean up all the dishes, baked me a cheesecake, and gave me a footrub. He’s good until our anniversary. Love you back – j
Happiest of birthdays to you, Nanabread! You definitely have my vote for Poet. Laureate. Because I am positive that I will be asked to vote, this year. The last 2 stanzas are my favorite. And who knew that you came from a family of poets? I like your lovely sisters’ poems to you. Many continued blessings to you.
Kirsten
Thanks, Kirsten. The last 2 stanzas are my favorite, too. I’m pretty lucky to have great sisters who know how to join in the fun. You’d fit in perfectly. I wish I could sneak you into Hoegarden in 2 weeks. You’d have a blast! Can you play croquet with one hand?
I can if there is a cocktail in my other hand…
Purrrrrrrrrrfect!
Why am I not surprised?
Greetings. Love the poem, it really hit home for this 47 year old. Reminded me I’m not the only one laying awake nights, etc.
Thanks, Zahara. I appreciate the comment.
And we are not alone. That’s for sure.
We should have a t-shirt or a gang sign.
Is there a gang sign for menopausal women?
(besides the middle finger?)
What? There was no man warning! You are supposed to put a man warning on these things as we previously discussed… I guess you and Lilly Bug have more in common that similar baby pictures!
Oopsie!
ATTENTION: To all men including my son-in-law, Mike the Tiger, I apologize for omitting the “man warning” that should have been posted as the opening statement of this blog poem. For all dudes who were shocked or unnerved by my mention of things like bladder control issues, panty liners, and profuse lady sweating, I most humbly apologize for not warning you. I hereby promise to attempt to be more diligent in my discussions of “chick issues” in the future. Notice I said attempt.
OMG, just pulled my old self up off the floor after reading this! Happy belated 32nd; I’ve been 32 for 10 years now!!
Hello, M.J.! I’m glad my birthday ode floored you (pun intended). Thanks for the birthday wishes. If you liked my poem on aging, you should read the little ditty I wrote about menopause. Here’s the link: https://insidenanabreadshead.wordpress.com/2010/11/11/menopause-you-hateful-bitch/ Let me know what you think!
Thanks for visiting and for leaving a comment. I live for comments. Really…